DVD Review: Terminator: Salvation

First off, for those stumbling upon this site, my DVD reviews don’t talk about how great the commentary was, or how off the anamorphic picture was, or that the Dolby 5.1 was a little scratchy.  Why?  I’ll tell you why you young pricks–I fucking grew up watching movies on VHS and BetaMax.  And before that?  NOTHING.

You can stream movies on Hulu now, you little bastards.  I had to wait two years to watch Star Trek II on fucking ABC.

ABC.

So if you think you have it rough because they haven’t digitally remastered The Matrix for the 47th time on a Super Special Olympic Director’s Cut Version of the Decade Anniversary Edition, FUCK YOU.

Wow.  I’m a little uptight about those DVD review sites, ain’t I?

This is strictly to talk about how good or bad a movie was and Terminator:  Salvation falls more into the category of the latter.

I imagine this conversation going on when McG was talking about making this movie to some young slaps that didn’t have the balls to stand up to his…ahem…greatness:

McG:  All right.  I want to take everything that made the first three Terminator movies work and toss them out the window.

SLAP 1:  Time travel?

McG:  Please.  Name me one movie with time travel that worked beyond the Terminator movies.

SLAP 2:  Star Trek IV?

SLAP 1:  Star Trek First Contact?

SLAP 2:  The new JJ Abrams Star Trek?

SLAP 1:  Frequency?

SLAP 2:  Back to the Future 1-3?

McG:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  The obvious ones, sure.  But really, which movies beyond that have been successful?

SLAP 1:  Right on, McG.

SLAP 2:  You the man, McG.

McG:  That’s better.  Now.  What else can we toss out?  The bad ass robots.  We’ve seen better and better Terminators throughout each of the first three movies.  I want to show the prototypes.  The clunky, easy to spot, easier to kill Terminators.

SLAP 2:  Right on, McG…ummm…can you explain to me why?

McG:  Don’t you slaps know anything?  People love an origin story.  Origin stories are always the most interesting of a film franchise.  Everyone loves to tell an origin story.  We’re telling the origin story of the Arnold Terminator.

SLAP 2:  You mean the T-800?

McG:  The what now?

SLAP 2:  The T-800.  The Arnold Terminator.

McG:  What the fuck are you talking about?

SLAP 2:  Never mind.

SLAP 1:  But the heart of the Terminator franchise is John Connor.  Technically the first Terminator was the origin story of how he came to be in order to save the future.

McG:  Did I tell you to take my left nut out of your mouth?  Keep suckling.

SLAP 1:  Mmmffff McG.

McG:  That’s better.  Yet, you do have a point.  We’ll put John Connor in the movie.  Only, instead of making him a badass leader, we’ll make him a brooding introvert who isn’t in 75% of the movie.

SLAP 2:  Ummm…isn’t he supposed to be the hero of the movie?  Of the franchise?  Shouldn’t he be in the movie like…you know…more?

McG:  No no no.  Putting him in less makes him mysterious!  More interesting!  Like Burt Reynolds in Smokey and the Bandit III!

SLAP 1:  PTOOOI!  Burt Reynolds only had a cameo in that movie.

McG:  Exactly! No one saw that coming!  Yet everyone remembers that one the best!

SLAP 1:  I’m going to put your nut back in my mouth now.

McG:  As well you should.  Now, for the coup de grace–we’ll introduce a new Terminator.  One so advanced that not only does it think it’s a human, it really has the mind of a human.

SLAP 2:  But…this is supposed to take place before the T-800 comes into existence.

McG:  Look, if you’re going to keep talking gibberish I’m going to sodomize you again.

SLAP 2:  Sorry.  The Arnold Terminator.  That was supposed to be the most advanced Terminator.  Until the T-1000.  And then the Terminator with boobies.  How can a Terminator so advanced it actually thinks it’s a human be created before those?

McG:  That’s the twist!  No one will see it coming!

SLAP 2:  But it doesn’t make sense.

McG:  You obviously know nothing about movie making.  Take your pants off and bend over.  When I think long enough about my greatness to make my cock hard, your cornhole is getting terminated.  Hah.  Get it?  Terminated?  I rock so much.

SLAP 1:  But sir, you say no one will see it coming, yet the Humanator walks through a desert with no food or water for possibly days on end.  It never eats or sleeps.  It gets hit in the face and gives the bad guy the standard pissed off glance.  It tosses guys around like rag dolls.  I think it’s real obvious that it’s a Terminator.

McG:  I think it’s real obvious you’re going to be licking my asshole while I sodomize Slap 2.  Are there any more criticisms of my brilliance?

SLAP 1:  No sir.

SLAP 2:  No sir.

McG:  Excellent.   Now hand me that lube and get Sly Stallone on the phone.

SLAP 1:  Sly Stallone?

McG:  That’s right.  After this, I have some ideas for Rambo.  How about Rambo…IN SPACE?

Yes.  I actually did see that conversation take place in my head.  Sodomy and all.

It’s not a terrible movie.  It’s just a movie that didn’t need to be made.  No one really cared about the future where the Terminators and Kyle Reese came from; they cared about preventing it from happening to begin with.  By the end of this movie, you’ll wish they had to prevent this movie from ever being made.