And now, for a very special Pedestal

Not really, but do you remember when TV sitcoms used to do that?  It was a “very special” episode, which either meant someone was going to try to touch Gary Coleman’s wee wee, someone was going to try to kidnap Punky Brewster, someone was going to try to pet Joanie’s Chachi, etc.

CHACHI!  There used to be a guy on television named Chachi.

God, TV used to suck.

I won’t go into great detail here since this obviously a public forum and I don’t dish out much personal information on here.  It’s a blog mainly for entertainment purposes, not a diary.

However, twenty years ago tonight, one of my classmates was killed in a senseless car accident when were were sophomores in high school.  Actually, I believe he lingered on until the next morning but for all intents and purposes he died that night.

Despite going to school with him since Kindergarten, I never knew him all that well so I’m not going to pretend that twenty years later it still has the same emotional impact it did back then.  That night was really my first encounter with death as something that could happen to people who weren’t old–you know, like thirty.

Yet, every year whenever it hits me that the anniversary is coming up–and to be honest, I didn’t realize it this year until this afternoon–I do reflect on it.  Especially now that he’s been dead longer than he was alive.

I think back on everything I’ve experienced the past twenty years, the good and the bad, and the older I get the more it hits home how lucky I’ve been to make it this far.  To have had the experiences I’ve had.  To have known the people I’ve known.  To be where I am now.  To have my wife and daughter.

One of my future best friends was also in that car and I wonder how different my life would have been if he had died as well.

They say everything happens for a reason, and while the older I get the more I do believe that, it’s also hard to imagine what reason his death served.  Having a daughter now I can only imagine the heartbreak his parents went through.

Maybe the reason simply is this…while death is never a good thing, sometimes good things can happen as a result of death.  Even if it’s making everyone else aware of how precious their own lives are.  To enjoy every day in some small way.  To enjoy those who are in your lives every single day.  Maybe those taken from us in what seems to be before their time are asked by a higher power to make that sacrifice, knowingly or unknowingly, to make us aware of that.

Like I said, while I didn’t know him very well, I think in death he had a bigger impact on my life than he did in life.  While that obviously wasn’t his intent, and it’s cold comfort to those who were close to him, it’s my way of honoring his memory to appreciate life and everything it’s given me.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled sarcastic programming.

These scumbags also support Obama

Hollywood’s liberal leeches come out in defense of Roman Polanski.

Hollywood moguls are pressuring California lawmakers to do what they can to stop the extradition of Roman Polanski, aiming to prevent the Oscar-winning director from being forcibly returned to the U.S. to do time for raping a 13-year-old girl in the 1970s.

Rape, of course, being perfectly acceptable in Hollywood.

Where would Jodi Foster’s career be without it?

The only problem — the government isn’t interested.

That one sentence actually gives me hope for this country.

Actors and actresses from Harrison Ford to Debra Winger have reportedly joined the growing throng of liberal celebrities calling for Polanski to be released following his arrest in Switzerland last week.

Time to throw my Indiana Jones movies into the trash.

And my…whatever the fuck movies Debra Winger has starred in movies into the trash.

Studio kingpin Harvey Weinstein says he is leading the charge and “e-mailing everybody I know” to push for the swift release of his friend, whom he calls a “humanist” who has been the victim of a gross “miscarriage of justice” for more than three decades.

It’s amazing that for all the causes celebrities constantly harp on and try to push on us, that the one thing that finally bands the lefty actors together is defending a guy who raped a thirteen year old girl.

“We will have to speak to our leaders … particularly in California,” Weinstein wrote in an op-ed Tuesday. “I’m not too shy to go and talk to the Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and to ask him once and for all to look at this.”

Please, Arnold.  Look into it.  Then throw him in the nearest maximum security prison and let him find out what rape is all about.

Scores of American film icons from Woody Allen to Martin Scorsese have signed a petition demanding “the immediate release of Roman Polanski,” saying they were “dismayed” by his arrest.

Yes.  Woody Allen who married his stepdaughter.  Boy, I’d want that guy on my side.

Scorsese?  Really?

I can’t bring myself to throw away my Goodfellas or Casino DVDs.  So much for my moral indignation.

But the Los Angeles County district attorney’s office, which is seeking to have Polanski extradited to California, isn’t interested in petitions from the stars — it has a job to do, DA spokewoman Jane Robison told FOXNews.com.

Will the DA respond to pressure from Tinseltown’s biggest bigwigs?

“No.”

Will the DA consider their plea to give up on extradition?

“No.”

Does the DA have any plans to meet with the directors allying themselves with Polanski?

“No.”

What’s this strange stirring in my stomach?

My God!  It’s actual hope in the criminal justice system again!

Whoopi Goldberg used her spot on ABC’s “The View” to try to clear up the record regarding the crime to which Polanski pleaded guilty in 1978.

Do tell.

“I know it wasn’t ‘rape’ rape. I think it was something else, but I don’t believe it was ‘rape’ rape,” said Goldberg, dismissing the possibility that Polanski had forced himself on anyone.

“He pled guilty to having sex with a minor and he went to jail, and when they let him out (on bail, pending sentencing), he said, ‘You know what, this guy’s going to give me 100 years in jail. I’m not staying.’ And that’s why he left.

“So that’s why I wanted to be really clear,” Goldberg said, “cause I want to know exactly what I’m talking about.”

Thanks for clearing that up, Whoopi.

Tell you what, Whoopi.  Let me take your statement and make a few adjustments, and then you let me know how you feel about it:

“I know it wasn’t ‘lynching’ lynching. I think it was something else, but I don’t believe it was ‘lynching’ lynching.  He pled guilty to lynching a nigger and he went to jail, and when they let him out (on bail, pending sentencing), he said, ‘You know what, this guy’s going to give me 100 years in jail for lynching a nigger.  I’m not staying.’  And that’s why he ran.”

There, Whoopi.  How would you feel now if that was the situation, using your own words?  After all, I’m sure that happened a thousand times over in the south back in the day before the Civil Rights movement.  Yet, somehow I don’t think you’d have a problem with those good ol’ boys doing their time in jail, would you?

Here’s exactly what Whoopi is talking about: In March 1977, the 44-year-old Polanski fed a 13-year-old girl champagne and a sedative, forced himself on her and anally raped her, according to the girl’s grand jury testimony. He was convicted of a lesser charge — statutory rape — because he agreed to plead guilty.

See, that’s the thing about this–this isn’t like some thirteen year old harlot seduced him and he slept with her.  While not any less forgivable, that would be infinitely more understandable.  No.  He gave her alcohol and drugs, incapacitated her, and then not only raped her but also anally raped her.  The only reason it was classified as statutory rape was because he pled to a lesser charge.

Polanski spent 42 days in a mental institution and had been led to expect that it would be considered “time served,” and that he would be freed on probation. But when he came to believe that the presiding judge would sentence him to years in prison instead, Polanski jumped bail and fled to France.

Ah, the French.  Perfecting perversion since 843.

Yes, I did have to look that up.

The 843, not the perversion.

He has been living comfortably in Europe for the past three decades. But on Saturday, as he was flying to Switzerland to attend the Zurich Film Festival, he was picked up by Swiss authorities acting on longstanding requests from the U.S. to arrest him.

I thought Switzerland was famed for its neutrality?

And army knives, of course.

Think the police in Switzerland are all armed with army knives?

Actress Debra Winger, the president of the Zurich film festival’s jury, blasted Switzerland for its “philistine collusion” with the U.S. in arresting Polanski, who was honored by the festival Sunday night even though he was in jail.

If anyone can name me one movie Debra Winger’s been in during the past ten years, I will give you my copy of An Officer and a Gentlemen.

Did I say mine?

I meant my wife’s.

As Polanski fights to have his arrest overturned in Switzerland, even Hollywood’s bitter broadsheets have been laying off the fugitive.

The senior editor of the gossip magazine In Touch said in a television interview he couldn’t believe the justice system is still going after Polanski 30 years after his initial arrest, and after his victim, Samantha Geimer, has publicly forgiven Polanski.

“It’s mind-boggling why they’re still pursuing this,” said Tom O’Neill. “It just seems that the prosecutors in Los Angeles won’t let go these many years later.”

Yeah, it’s not really that mind boggling.  See, he committed a crime, and then skipped out on bail.  Which in itself is a crime.   Jut because his victim forgives him doesn’t mean that wipes out the crime.

We all know Hollywood thinks its above the legal system–and often is–but thankfully this time, it seems the justice system really is blind and they’ll throw his ass in jail where it belong.

Facebook’s Killer New App: Assassination Polls

The internet does breed a whole new generation of dipshits, doesn’t it?

Although the whole controversy could have been avoided by simply rephrasing the poll from “Do you think Obama should be killed?” to “Do you think Obama will be killed?”

The latter is a valid question not just for this President, but for any President.  Certainly there are factions and individuals who have plotted to assassinate virtually every sitting President of the 20th and 21st century.

Certainly, Obama has added worry in this area because there are those out there who would kill him just for the color of his skin.  That he can’t help.  What he could help is by stopping driving this country to socialism which is sure to get the extremely right wing radicals all up in arms.

No pun intended.

Make no mistake–President’s lives are always in danger, especially in this day and age.  That being said, if whoever made this poll was really serious about assassinating Obama, one would think they’d have enough sense not to post it on Facebook first.  Which leads me to wonder why the Secret Service is bothering wasting their time and resources investigating this when it could be better spent actually investigating legitimate threats against Obama.

Then again, this is the same federal government still wasting taxpayer money trying to find the bones of Jimmy Hoffa, so assuming financial prudence and responsibility is probably a bit of a stretch.

Jon Gosselin Realizes His Only Talent Is Knocking Up His Wife

Then again, didn’t they need fertility drugs to do that?

Instead of “Jon and Kate Plus 8”, the turd of a show that floats among many in the cesspool of so-called “reality” television will just be “Kate Plus 8”, the story of a single mom trying to raise 8 kids on her own.

Yeah.  Good luck getting any sane or sober man to bite on that.

The best part, however, is Jon’s statement about the change:

He tells In Touch that “even though we were heading for a divorce, it appeared that Kate had been suffering from this divorce as much as I had. That’s why I asked my attorney to put the brakes on this divorce so I could try to regain control over the future of our family. So Kate and I could join on a cooperative course that would benefit our family — not destroy it.”

TRANSLATION:  Holy shit.  If I divorce her my fifteen minutes of fame is up and I might have to get a real fucking job.

Of course, her ego isn’t taking any blows:

Furthermore, she said, even if she did stop making the show, the public would still be interested in her personal life.

“So many people say just stop and pull out. … I could stop and I’d still have all the flack,” she said.

Really?  I dare say your fifteen minutes of fame is coming to an end because the only reason people started tuning in en masse lately was to watch your marriage crash and burn.  Mission accomplished.

Take whatever money you got from exploiting your children and invest it wisely because unless they revive Hollywood Squares for quasi-celebrities with no real talents, you TV career is dead.

What color is the sky in Michael Vick’s world?

Unbelievable.

Michael Vick thought he’d actually be a starting quarterback in the NFL after being released from prison.

Why not?  This is the National Felon League, after all.  Druggies, alcoholics, rapists, thugs, gangbangers…good Lord if there wasn’t the NFL there’d be a lot of convicted felons out there looking for jobs.

Now Michael Vick has the audacity to complain that he’s only a back-up quarterback?  Just what world does this pimple on the ass of the NFL live in?  He should be grateful he wasn’t shanked or gang raped, for starters.  After that, he should be happy he has a job anywhere in the NFL instead of, oh, I don’t know, flipping hamburgers at McD’s like any other convicted felon.

Especially since he’s just not a very good quarterback.  He wasn’t before he went into jail, and somehow I doubt spending two years in the hole helped that matter.

Suddenly Superman Returns doesn’t look so bad…

After the string of Christopher Reeve Superman films crashed and burned after Superman IV:  What the fuck is Gene Hackman doing in this movie?, Tim Burton, hot off his interpretation of Batman, was poised to direct a new Superman film.

Starring Nicholas Cage.

Yes, this Nicholas Cage:

Playing this guy:

After this guy played him:

This is just some random photo I found while searching for these pictures:

HOOCHIE. MAMA.

Where was I going with this?

Oh yes.  Nicholas Cage.  Pictures have now surfaced of the test footage of the costume Nicholas Cage would have worn in the Tim Burton Superman reboot.

Are you ready for this?

BWAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!

I would have rather seen wheelchair bound Christopher Reeve play Superman again.  I would have believed wheelchair Superman Christopher Reeve could fly, fight crime, or do virtually ANYTHING instead of Nicholas Cage Superman.

Just to leave you with a better image in your mind, once again, Lucy Pinder.

In fact, I would believe she was Superman before Nicholas Cage.

Or at least, I’d rather watch a movie with her trying to be Superman.

With my pants around my ankles.

Damn.  I typed that, didn’t I?

Taking California Dreaming to a whole new level

Have I mentioned lately how much I love apeshit celebrities?

NEW YORK – “I am sharing my truth,” says Mackenzie Phillips, “in the hope that it helps other incest survivors.”

But just how true is her new book, “High on Arrival”? In this explosive new memoir, she defends her father, the Mamas and the Papas leader John Phillips, as a good man while claiming they had an incestuous affair that, over time, became consensual.

Well of course it did.

Ask the unfortunately probably hundreds of thousands of daughters raped by their fathers over the years exactly when it turned consensual.

Two of her stepmothers, including Mamas and Papas singer Michelle Phillips, say she is lying and just trying to cash in with her book.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

This chick’s only claim to fame is starring on a TV show with this guy:

BEST PORN MUSTACHE EVER!

And considering she had a face that would stop your heart even when she was younger, I don’t even think this horn dog could drink enough to fuck her.

In fact, there’s a very strong resemblance between this:

And this:

ROCK ME DR. ZAIUS!

Valerie Bertinelli always made my pants tight, even more so now that she looks like this:

Note to Eddie Van Halen:  You ain’t getting any younger or prettier pal and this is what you gave up.

“I love my stepmother Michelle,” Mackenzie Phillips responded in a statement Thursday, “but she is having the textbook family reaction to accusations of incest: deny that it happened and protect the accused.”

Yeah, it’s always a textbook reaction to want to defend your husband of raping and having an incestuous relationship with his daughter.

Those textbook BITCHES!

The former child actress writes that she and her father had a decade-long sexual relationship that started while they were doing drugs the night before she was to get married in 1979 at age 19.

There’s so many things wrong in that sentence I’m just going to leave it alone.

Maybe the most disturbing of which was that someone was actually going to marry her.

She wrote in her book: “I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father.” Although she considered the first time rape, she says the sex eventually became consensual.

ANSWER:  Never.

QUESTION:  How many times does your father have to rape you before it becomes consensual?

Another Celebrity Jeopardy gone horribly wrong.

Phillips, 49, who as a teen starred on TV’s “One Day at a Time,” claims the sexual relationship lasted a decade and ended when she became pregnant and didn’t know who had fathered the child. She had an abortion, and her father paid for it.

How big of a whore do you have to be to not only be fucking your own father, but then fucking so many other guys on top of it you have no idea WHO the father is?

Unbelievable.

Hopefully she’s cleaned her act up.

Last October, Phillips pleaded guilty in Los Angeles to possessing cocaine and was ordered to complete an 18-month drug treatment program.

Oops.

Interviewed on NBC’s “Today” show Thursday, Phillips said she grew up in “a very permissive time and a very rock ‘n’ roll world, and pretty much anything went.”

Okay.  All the rock stars who didn’t fuck your daughters, raise your hand.

It’s sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, not incest, drugs, and rock n’ roll.

Her father “did the best he could,” she said. “He was a good man. I have great compassion for the man that he was.”

Using the phrase “did the best he could” when talking about your incestuous relationship is a poor choice of words.

The truth of Mackenzie Phillips’ account can never be fully known. Her father died of heart failure in 2001.

Woe is us.  If only she had published this book 10 years ago then maybe, you know, John Phillips could have defended himself.

Which is why, while incest isn’t funny, I’m mocking this whole thing because I don’t believe a word of it.  John Phillips was no saint by any account but if you’re so doped and boozed up out of your mind that you’re allegedly having sex with your own daughter for ten years…there’s no way that’s not going to come out.  Sober, sane people who have affairs get caught but we’re supposed to believe two drug addicts had an incestuous relationship for ten years and managed to keep it a secret?

Please.

I think Michelle Phillips sums it up best:

“Mackenzie has a lot of mental illness,” Michelle Phillips said. “She’s had a needle stuck up her arm for 35 years. She was arrested for heroin and coke just recently. She did ‘Celebrity Rehab‘ and now she writes a book. The whole thing is timed.”

Celebrities+Liberals=Hypocrisy

There’s a new definition of irony in the dictionary.

It’s called “Overpaid liberal celebrities mocking health insurance CEOs for making too much money”.

There’s nothing quite like people who will make more off one television episode or movie than you or I will make in an entire year–if not lifetime–mocking people who they think make too much money.  People who will never have to worry about not being able to afford health care–let alone health insurance.  People who, if this travesty of freedom known as the “public option” passes, will not have to worry about the gigantic tax increases us unwashed common folk will have to burden.  About the debt passed onto our children and their children.

If celebrities are so hip to have the public option pass, perhaps we should garnish 90% of their overpaid salaries to do it.

To paraphrase one of your own movie lines:  Go fuck yourself, Will Ferrell.  Stick to  making artistic works of art like Land of the Lost.

This guy used to hang out with a dude named Boner…

Another has-been celebrity goes apeshit.

Sing along to the theme song of Growing Pains.

Evangelical actor Kirk Cameron is on a serious crusade against Charles Darwin — connecting the scientist’s most famous and significant work to Adolf Hitler.

Bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Kirk Cameron’s the kind of guy that you hope when he dies, God just backhands him and says “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Or better yet, he goes to Hell, finds out Alan Thicke is really the devil, and is subject to watching Growing Pains for all eternity, a fate far worse than death.

Watch the video yourself and if you can make it thirty seconds without laughing, you’re a better person than I.

Maybe the Redbox was empty…

Mass. postal worker admits to stealing 30,000 DVDs

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. – A former postal service employee has pleaded guilty to stealing more than 30,000 DVDs that moved through a western Massachusetts post office.

30,000 DVDs.

30,000 DVDs.

I don’t even think I’ve rented or bought total 30,000 DVDs in my life.

Myles Weathers, formerly of Springfield, took DVDs that were mailed by Netflix to customers for a year beginning in January 2007.

I love the “formerly of Springfield”.  I’m guessing now he’s a resident of a local pound me in the ass prison.

Federal prosecutors say the movie rental company alerted Springfield post office officials that a suspiciously high number of DVDs were disappearing. As many as 100 movies a week were disappearing.

He had to be selling them.  There’s not even 100 movies made a year worth seeing, let alone stealing.

Weathers was arrested in February 2008 after investigators filmed him taking DVDs from packages and slipping them into his backpack.

And yet, the article still doesn’t state the most desired answer–why.  The 5 W’s:  Who, what, where, why, when.

The rest of the article doesn’t mention it either, but yet, this is why the AP gets their crotchless panties all in a bunch when you quote from one of their half-ass written stories.