911 Caller: Sheen Threatened Me with Knife

Come on, Charlie.

If you really wanted to threaten her, you could have made her watch every one of your movies since 1990.  Then she would have begged to have her throat slit.

Seriously–take a look at this dogpile.

Your Understated Headline of the Day

Minn. woman accused of causing painful injury

How, exactly?

WINONA, Minn. – Authorities are considering whether to charge a woman accused of grabbing a man by the genitals and yanking hard enough for him to need stitches.

I think I speak for every man in the world when I say AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Your Stupid Headline of the Day

Drugs Found in Murphy’s Home May Be Deadly

As is evidenced by the fact that she’s FUCKING DEAD.

Nine out of ten scientists say that deadly things may result in death.

Another Moment of Silence for Another NFL Felon

No surprises here.

Chris Henry was no stranger to trouble.

Again, no surprises here.  Probably 90% of the National Felon League are no strangers to trouble.

Indeed, his multiple arrests during a five-year NFL career were among the factors prompting the league to toughen its personal conduct policy.

Ah yes.  The NFL “personal conduct policy”, which does about as much to deter NFL felons from engaging in illegal behavior as much as DUI law does to stop drunk driving.

But to hear his teammates tell it—even the team’s owner—the Cincinnati Bengals receiver was determined to leave behind his troubled past and move ahead toward a bright future.

It’s great he was putting his troubles behind him.  Much like he put his brains behind his head when he jumped onto the moving truck his fiancee was speeding away in, more than likely in a desperate attempt to get away from him before he beat the shit out of her.  Because although police are still “investigating”, one 911 call stated:

“It’s got a black man on it with no shirt on, and he’s got his arm in a cast and black pants on,” she told a dispatcher. “He’s beating on the back of this truck window. … I don’t know if he’s trying to break in or something. It just looks crazy. It’s a girl driving it.”

Now, with those facts in front of you, here comes the National Felon League spin machine ERRRRR love:

“We knew him in a different way than his public persona,” Bengals owner Mike Brown said. “He had worked through the troubles in his life and had finally seemingly reached the point where everything was going to blossom. And he was going to have the future we all wanted for him. It’s painful to us. We feel it in our hearts, and we will miss him.”

Worked through the troubles in his life, eh?

BACK TO THE TAPE:

“It’s got a black man on it with no shirt on, and he’s got his arm in a cast and black pants on,” she told a dispatcher. “He’s beating on the back of this truck window. … I don’t know if he’s trying to break in or something. It just looks crazy. It’s a girl driving it.”

Well, you expect that spin from the owner of the club.  What do his teammates have to say about him?

Bengals receiver Andre Caldwell said: “People thought he was a bad guy, but he had a big heart.”

Big heart.

Let’s take a look at what his big heart entailed:

During his NFL career, Henry was arrested five times in 28 months for assault, driving under the influence of alcohol and marijuana possession, and he served multiple suspensions for violating the league’s personal-conduct policy, missing a total of 14 games. He served jail time for drinking in a hotel room with underage girls.

After serving an eight-game suspension in 2007 for violating the league’s personal-conduct policy, he was arrested again for assault in April 2008.

It’s a good thing he had a big heart underneath that fake public persona of his.  Otherwise I’d think he was just another scumbag felon in the National Felon League.

Chances are if he wouldn’t have either fallen or jumped off the truck (rumors swirl now he may have committed suicide), he’d be under arrest for injuring or murdering his fiancee.

So now there will be a moment of silence to “honor” his memory before Sunday’s games, much like they did with Steve McNair when he got shot by his mistress, another upstanding (albeit former) member of the League.

Personally I think they should give him the proper burial ala Young Guns II: Kick dust over his corpse and leave him in the desert.

WORST. HEADLINE. EVER.

More Women Fingered as Tiger Mistresses.

GOOD NIGHT NOW!

Laughter Is Not The Best Medicine Any Longer

Speaking of our good friend Tiger Woods; SNL hit one out of the park last week with a skit about Tiger and his wife.  View for yourself:

Hilarious, is it not?

Well, apparently not, because according to domestic violence organizations, if you laugh at this you’re an insensitive asshole who fails to see the plight of men who are physically abused by their wives.

Otherwise known as those fucking pussies.

See?  According to these groups, you just can’t make statements like that.  It’s not funny.  It’s cruel and insensitive and…

Sigh.

Seriously–what the fuck can you laugh at nowadays that doesn’t offend someone in some way, shape or form?  I am so sick of this PC world we live in now.  I love sick jokes.  I love offensive jokes.  In fact, the sicker and more offensive they are, the more I love them.

Does that mean I condone domestic violence?  No.  Can I laugh about it?  Yes.  Because laughter is an important part of our lives.  Laughter is a coping mechanism.  A defense mechanism.  A stress reliever.

This country needs to lighten the fuck up.

Speaking of, I can’t use the phrase “insensitive asshole” without giving props to the late, great, John Candy in one of the best holiday movies ever made, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. And while I can’t find that clip, let’s enjoy a completely insensitive clip from Steve Martin against car rental employees in the same movie.

Tiger Woods Takes Several Strokes In The Bush

Bushes, as it turns out.

He’s up to 11 different women now.

11.

I’d say I’m shocked but when it comes to celebrities and athletes, nothing really surprises me anymore.

EXCEPT for his utter stupidity in one regard.

He calls one of the skanks and leaves a voicemail that says something to the effect of “Ummm…it’s Tiger.”

First off dipshit, there’s this thing called Caller ID.  I’m sure she could have figured out it was you without you actually leaving your name on her voicemail to oh, I don’t know, plaster all over the news.

Then he goes on to say something like “Please change your voicemail because my wife might get my phone and try calling you.”

So Tiger.  If you think your wife might get hold of your cell phone, why don’t you drop it in the ocean.  Give it to a homeless person.  Tee it up and shank it in the woods.

I think you can probably afford another one.

Barring that, why the hell is he using his regular cell phone?  Dude can’t afford a separate cell phone to talk to his hos with?  11 separate phones?  Hell, he can’t buy his own fucking cell phone COMPANY to make calls to his hos for him?

Prepaid cell phones, Tiger.  You could probably buy like 40 quintillion prepaid cell phones with the jack you have.

Either outside of the golf course he’s the biggest idiot to walk the face of the earth, or he just didn’t give a shit if he ever got caught.  Or maybe it’s a little of both.  He’s been a spoiled brat his whole life.  Somehow it doesn’t seem like this will change his ways much.

A Perfect Ass For Eternity

You know, we’re all going to die.  It’s just a question of when and how, and those are two variables that–while you can’t completely control–you can avoid engaging in certain behavior that may speed up the natural process.

And let’s face it; there are idiots out there who sped up that process by their own hand.  Literally.

The latest entry in this elitist group of dead people:

Buenos Aries, Argentia–A 38-year-old former Miss Argentina has died from complications after undergoing cosmetic surgery on her buttocks.

Death by ass surgery.

That might be a new one.

Solange Magnano, a mother of twins who won the crown in 1994, died of a pulmonary embolism Sunday after three days in critical condition following a gluteoplasty in Buenos Aires.

Mother of twins.

I should feel some shred of sympathy for that, yet I find myself wiping my mouth off with the napkin ala Seinfeld upon hearing of the Bubble Boy’s plight.  If you have twins at home and you’re putting your life on the line for ass surgery, those kids just might be better off without you as their mother.

Close friend Roberto Piazza said the procedure involved injections and the liquid “went to her lungs and brain.”

Brain?

I’d like the presence of a brain verified on autopsy, please.

“A woman who had everything lost her life to have a slightly firmer behind,” he said.

Okay–her fucking friend said that and you thought I was being mean.

Slightly firmer ass, yet.

If I was getting ass implants, I’d want the kind you could shoot bullets into and they would ricochet off it.

Magnano’s burial Monday was shown on Argentine television.

Argentine television must fucking blow to televise the funeral of some dipshit former Miss Argentina who died trying to get ass implants.

Then again, between that and any reality show, I’d take the funeral seven days a week and twice on Sunday.

Jesus Christ Dumped From Jury Pool For Disruption

A headline so good I couldn’t improve on it.

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. – Court officials say a Birmingham woman who changed her name to Jesus Christ didn’t live up to it when she reported for jury duty this week. The woman, previously named Dorothy Lola Killingworth, was sent to Judge Clyde Jones’s courtroom for a criminal case Monday.

First off, is anyone really surprised this comes from south of the Mason-Dixon line?

Second, what are the odds that someone named Killingworth changes their name to Jesus Christ?

I can’t make this shit up.

Court officials told The Birmingham News Tuesday that the 59-year-old was excused because she was disruptive and kept asking questions instead of answering them.

Disruptive how?  Turning water into wine?  Walking on water?  Parting the Red Sea?

Or was that Moses?

Don’t look at me.  I’m not baptized.   Most of my knowledge of religion comes from The Simpsons.  Until I started watching that show, I didn’t even know who Jebus Christ was.

Efforts to reach Christ for comment were unsuccessful.

That’s hardly news.  That’s been going on for 2,000 years.

Court administrator Sandra Turner said people there were shocked when the woman insisted her name was Jesus Christ and some potential jurors laughed out loud when her name was called.

Did she smite them?  It’s been ages since I’ve read about a good ol’ fashioned smiting.

But Turner said unlike some Jefferson County residents, Christ didn’t try to get out of jury duty and was “perfectly happy to serve.”

Really?  Something tells me if you’ve legally changed your name to Jesus Christ, your either batshit crazy or intentionally trying to get out of a lot of things like jury duty, the military, and civilization as we know it.

That’s almost as funny as that chick who served jury duty wearing her Starfleet uniform.

For those of you who didn’t get the Jebus reference, please, enjoy the following educational film and remember that all you need to know about life can be learned from The Simpsons and Seinfeld.

And possibly The Sopranos but that’s a conversation for another time.

Happiness Is Two Men In Metal Suits Beating the Crap Out of Each Other

First poster for Iron Man 2, which will feature the War Machine armor.  Yes, they are friends but rest assured there will be some contrivance to get them to fight each other before teaming up to defeat the bad guy.

It’s just the comic way.

Memo to Michael Bay:  This poster in itself already makes this movie a thousand times better than that piece of shit you called Transformers 2:  We Should Have Quit While We Were Ahead Making One Movie Based On A Fucking Toy.

Alternatively titled:  Transformers 2:  You Can Only Watch Megan Fox With Your Pants Around Your Ankles For So Long.

Too fucking cool although I’m a bit shaky yet on the casting of Mickey Rourke as Whiplash (i.e., da bad guy).  Robert Downey Jr. was perfect for Tony Stark because who better to play an alcoholic playboy than a recovering alcoholic playboy?

Likewise, Mickey Rourke was perfectly cast as an addict at the end of his career in The Wrestler because he is an addict at the end of his career.  He may have gotten a temporary career boost from that movie, but I don’t see it lasting very long.

Or his face, for that matter.  I don’t know what backwater Mexican motel ERRR hospital he had his grill done at, but I sure hope he got a free bottle of tequila with it.