Brett Favre, King of the Handjobs ERRR Asshats

Reading Fox News, you’d think King Asshat’s debut with the Vikings was the second coming of Jesus.

For Favre, the ageless quarterback with a boundless love for football, career touchdown pass No. 464 was as enjoyable as his first.

Ageless?

Ageless?

I hate to break it to you Fox, but when his career as a Viking implodes–and it will implode–he should be the next spokesman for Just For Men alongside Keith Hernandez.

I’ve seen crippled Wal-Mart greeters hobble less than King Asshat.

Favre looked pleasing in purple, throwing a 6-yard TD pass to Harvin in his debut with Minnesota, and Adrian Peterson overcame a sluggish start to beat the Cleveland Browns scored three touchdowns and ran for 180 yards as the 34-20 on Sunday.

“Pleasing in purple?”

No one looks pleasing in purple.

Just ask this guy.

“I had a blast,” Favre said. “It wasn’t a 400-yard passing game, but it doesn’t have to be. As long as we win, that’s what it’s all about.”

Really.

So all those times with the Packers when you played hurt instead of taking yourself out or forcing throws for interceptions…as long as the team won that’s what it was “all about”.

Making his 270th consecutive start after a will-he-or-won’t-he flirtation that dominated NFL headlines this summer, the 39-year-old Favre, who holds every significant passing record, showed he can still fire it with authority – and that he hasn’t lost his joy for playing.

One would hope that being able to “fire it with authority” would be a prerequisite for a starting NFL quarterback.

Maybe it’s just me, I don’t think going 14 for 21 for 110 yards is exactly “firing it with authority”.

Peterson was held to just 25 yards in the first half, when he needed treatment for a badly cut left arm. He felt light headed and received intravenous fluids at halftime.

“I gagged myself a couple times trying to get everything in my stomach out,” he said. “Normally it makes me feel better and it did. I came in and got an IV and felt recharged and rejuvenated and was ready to go to work.”

That’s ironic.  I gagged myself a couple of times reading this King Asshat junk gobbling article.  One of the NFL’s former–and I can’t stress that enough–best quarterbacks is now reduced to giving handjobs handoffs to Peterson and the media is going to make it sound like he’s the gunslinger of days yore.

It’s going to be a long winter.

LaToya Jackson and The Case of the Propofol Pedophile

There’s a reason why Michael Jackson called his estate Neverland.

The whole fucking family lives in a fantasy world, as her interview on 20/20 effectively demonstrates.

La Toya told Walters that the people surrounding Michael were harmful, preyed upon him, and ultimately were responsible for his murder.

Including the Jackson Family, who would have been washed up after the 70’s if not for Michael’s success.

Do you think we’d be having this discussion if their fate was left up to the questionable talents of Tito and Jermaine?

“I knew Michael was surrounded by people that positioned themselves in his life, positioned themselves to control and take advantage of him. And that’s what bothered me more than anything else because I knew something terrible would happen at the end,” she told Walters. “Not to mention the fact that Michael constantly told me, ‘La Toya … if I die … they’re going to murder me, they’re going to kill me.'”

Yes.  It’s the fault of everyone else that The Gloved One was engaged in classic drug seeking behavior.  Who are the mysterious “they” that were going to kill him?  Sounds like drug induced paranoia.

Of course, that excuses Michael’s behavior to a degree.  What’s the excuse of LaToya?

La Toya said from the beginning, she has known that her brother was murdered by those around him who would benefit financially from his death. “I don’t know exactly who. I think there are more players involved than we know. This is just my opinion. This is what I feel. I know what Michael was afraid of … he was afraid of his life. He would say, ‘I’m afraid of my life. I’m afraid they’re going to assassinate me. I’m afraid they’re going to kill me.'”

So.  You know he was murdered.

You just don’t know who.

Or why.

Or how.

I don’t know who she thinks would benefit financially from his death since he was something like $500 million in debt when he died, but at least the children of the world benefited by having one less pedophile on the face of the planet.

“I blame any and everybody who was instrumental in Michael’s life providing him with drugs because it was wrong. It was terribly wrong,” said La Toya. “They’re doctors! This is going against their license, Barbara. You don’t do things like that.”

While the actions of some of his doctors are certainly questionable, I love how she never puts even one drop of blame on Michael himself.  He was doctor shopping for narcotics, finding one who would give him what he wanted when another one wouldn’t.  He was offering ridiculous amounts of money to doctors to be at his side and administer him these drugs.

All this from a chick who claims she was brainwashed by the ex-convict she married and that for 9 years, he basically made her say and do everything he wanted her to, including posing nude for Playboy, starring in a few pornos, and calling her brother a pedophile.

I wonder if that–now that she’s long divorced from him–he telepathically made her say this:

She calls her brother “special,” explaining that “he wasn’t God, but he was certainly God-like. He was the closest thing to a god that I knew.”

Yes.  Remember that scene in the Bible where God molests little kids, lives with a chimp, sleeps in an oxygen chamber, dangles Jesus over a balcony, and is a raving Propofol addict?

Trust LaToya.  It’s somewhere in the back.

His doctors will have their day in court and rightfully so, but no one is more to blame for Michael Jackson’s death than Michael Jackson himself.

Less Bail Money For The National Felon League

From ABC News:  NFL Finds Recession Is Taking Its Toll

This is actually an interesting news stories that I implore you to read and isn’t even really funny so I can’t make the usual comments on it.  It just further drives home the disconnect between the NFL and its fans.  At a time when people are losing their jobs and their homes, the NFL just keeps sticking it to the fans with increasing prices to pay the ridiculous salaries of athletes–and then still complain that they don’t have enough money.

To be fair, the NFL isn’t the only professional sports organization guilty of this–or the only group of athletes who whine about their “poor” situations.  Brewer shortstop JJ Hardy whined to the press that he couldn’t become a free agent after he was sent down to the minors–because he was batting a .229 average.

Yet, he’s still in line to make somewhere in the area of $4 million.

Oh.  Woe is him.  Wouldn’t we all like to make not only $4 million, but $4 million even when you’re sucking at your job?

These guys get paid money we’ll never see in our lifetimes to play a kid’s game and all some of them can do on a regular basis is complain about how terrible their lives are.