Your Motivational Poster For the Day

I love it when we make national news.

CHILTON, Wis. – A man whose penis was glued to his stomach testified Tuesday that a motel tryst with a girlfriend involving a bondage fantasy turned painful and humiliating after his wife, a second girlfriend and another woman burst into the room and harassed him because of his cheating ways.

The only way the story could get better is if it took place in a trailer home.

The 37-year-old Fond du Lac man told Calumet County Circuit Court Judge Timothy Van Akkeren that during the July 30 ordeal, which lasted about 30 minutes, he was punched in the face twice. The woman he had gone to the motel to meet, Therese Ziemann, super glued his penis to his stomach while at least two of the other women watched, the man said.

All right.  What kind of kickstand is this guy packing that she was able to glue it to his stomach when flaccid?

I’m assuming he was flaccid just because when three crazy bitches storm into your hotel room while you’re tied up, that pecker should deflate faster than a Macy’s Day Thanksgiving Day Balloon hitting the Empire State Building.

“I was telling them, you can’t let her do it. This is assault,” the man testified.

Oh yes. I’m sure he was yelling “This is assault” as opposed to “YOU CRAZY FUCKING BITCHES WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”

Akkeren ruled there was enough evidence for the case to go to trial.

Like the bloody remnants of his glued pecker still present on his stomach.

All the women except the man’s wife glared at him during his nearly 90 minutes of testimony. They all declined to comment on their way out of court.

If something like this doesn’t turn your wife into your ex-wife, she ain’t ever gonna leave you no matter what you do.

The man said he agreed to be tied to the bed because he and Ziemann had talked about bondage and he had agreed to pay for some nice fabric she would buy to tie him.

Nylon.  The gift that keeps on giving.

He said he was startled by a knock at the door, and worried it might be Ziemann’s husband. He realized the “fun had stopped” after his wife and the other women entered the room.

An observation that would have made Sherlock Holmes proud.

“The rest came in and the hurting trip began,” said the man, who testified in shackles–

–so he’s already intimately acquainted with bondage, prison style–

–because he is jailed in an unrelated case on theft and child abuse charges. “It got chaotic real quick, real fast. … I was asking everybody in the room to cut me loose.”

The “hurting trip”.

Is that like some backwater ghetto version of The Crying Game?

The man testified that his wife was the first to leave, and that the others left “in a panic” when he began to struggle free of his bonds. It took him another 2-3 minutes to get free and run naked outside and seek help, he said.

Maybe it’s just me, but I think I would have just used the phone.

Sewell’s attorney, Nila Robinson, called the man dishonest, a liar and a con man. He tricked the women he called his girlfriends by telling them he loved them and wanted futures with them, Robinson said.

Wow.  What a stunning defense.  After all, there’s never, ever been a man–besides EVERY ONE THAT’S EVER EXISTED IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND–that’s gotten into a woman’s pants by telling him he loved them and wanted a future with them.

If the pecker does not unstick, you must acquit.

Furthering my ethnocentricity…

UTTARADIT, Thailand (Reuters) – A Thai man is keeping more than 4,600 scorpions as pets to atone for the years he spent cooking the arachnids to sell as snacks.

Replace “scorpions” with “chickens” and picture this guy as Colonel Sanders as you’re reading this story.

Scorpions, insects and worms are commonly eaten in Thailand, especially in the northern regions.

NOTE TO SELF:  Bring Thai to English Dictionary for menus on trip to Thailand.

I’m sure this story is doing wonders for their tourism industry.

But after years of serving up scorpions, Suang Puangsri, a practicing Buddhist, felt it was time to befriend them instead.

“Although I was happy to have money, I felt suffering deep inside as they were being harmed by me,” he told Reuters. “I felt scared that I was committing a sin.”

So instead of, I don’t know, just stopping killing and serving scorpions on a stick…

The 38-year-old has given up the bottom floor of his two-storey home to the scorpions, who scuttle about a 6 meter by 5 meter (19 ft by 16 ft) enclosure decorated with branches and stone so that very little light and heat come in.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Colonel Puangsri has just won the First Weekly Award for Outstanding Excellence in the Field of Apeshitness.

Suang buys up to one kg of live cicadas and other insects daily to feed his pets, who have stung him so many times that he says he is immune to their venom.

I’m pretty sure that anything that stings you not only once, but enough times that you’re immune to its venom, is no longer considered a pet.

He also spends at least an hour every day meditating inside the enclosure, often placing scorpions in his mouth.

Go ahead and assume that somehow, defying all logic, he’s using them to masturbate as well.

Although the $570 he earns a month is a far cry from the $860 he made selling cooked scorpions, he and his family are content.

$860 a month.

Selling cooked scorpions.

For $860 a month I’d cook up squirrels and sleep like a baby.

“I feel good about what is he doing. I didn’t like it when he made the scorpions suffer. I’m not scared of those scorpions, but I don’t dare touch them,” said Suang’s wife, Lampoon Pimtoom.

He’s married.

I have friends that can’t get a date that don’t keep 4,600 scorpions in their house, but this crazy fucker is married.

Huh.

Earlier this year a Thai woman went into the record books for spending 33 days and nights with 5,000 live scorpions. She also held a 7-inch live scorpion in her mouth for 2 minutes and 3 seconds.

If she can hold 7 inches of anything in her mouth, I’m guessing she’s not hurting for dates, either.

Tipping is out of control.

I’ve vented about this before, but I think we’ve just reached a new level.

There’s a tip jar…at Subway.

Subway.

Does anyone remember when tipping used to be for actual exceptional service instead of just doing your fucking job?

SUBWAY?

Listen sandwich jockey–I know the economy’s tough and apparently begging has come back into vogue the way of tip jars, but seriously.  What the fuck do you actually DO beyond your JOB to earn a tip?  The old lady making my sandwich today couldn’t even remember A) what kind of sub I wanted and B) the kind of bread I wanted–and there was exactly ONE person ahead of me.  It wasn’t like it was lunch hour and they were swamped.  Nope.  I just happened to get the 63 year old with Alzheimer’s working at Subway today.  Which is a step up from the 25 year old stoner who hasn’t moved out of his parent’s basement yet.  Not to mention the teenage kid who just doesn’t give a shit.

For that, apparently I should leave a tip.  I mean, no one else can slap meat and condiments on a bun while I instruct them to step by step.  Because God knows if I rattle off more than three condiments at once, they don’t get all flustered like I just asked them to recite the Declaration of Independence backwards.

Why don’t people outside of the service industry start putting tip jars around?   How about I tip the Wal-Mart cashier?  It’s not like I could check out by myself using some kind of automated check out lane that makes their jobs completely obsolete now.

I’m tired of feeling obligated everywhere I go that I have to leave a tip even if the service is substandard–but now I’m being badgered to leave tips at places that haven’t traditionally asked for them before.  You want a tip sandwich jockey?  If you don’t think you’re making enough slapping meat in a bun, there are other industries you can slap meat in a bun and make much more money.

Like the Catholic Church.

GOOD NIGHT NOW!